Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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