he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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