i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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