I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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