Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
