Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
