if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
