Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
