My hand turned me down
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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