Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
