So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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