My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
