So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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