Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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