last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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