Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
