Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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