We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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