she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
