there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.