Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
