Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
