well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
