So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I need water and some morals
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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