Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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