some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
