This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
