she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When are your genitals available?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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