Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
