I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
A+ Viking dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
