Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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