there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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