sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.