Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
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george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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