I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
