That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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