I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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