omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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