Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
