I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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