God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.