I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.