remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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