I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
