His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
