Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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