I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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