Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have aggressive nipples.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
