Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
