I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
