I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
