i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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