You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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