I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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