woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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