I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
